Sap

So this last week has been a very tough one for me. I have spent the most of it out here in Michigan.
My grand dad, who has been very sick for the last 2 years now, passed away on Monday. I was hurt, but still fine with everything up until today.
Today was the (I forget what to call it) deal where all the family visits his open casket while he receives praise? from a preacher. The second we walked into the room and I saw him laying in the casket an entire swarm of memories hit me. I was a mess. I could barely remember anything about the guy ( hurray head trauma ) up until that point, but when I saw him it was like a memory overload and I crashed.
I have never cried that hard before in my life. I couldn’t control myself. I was worse then my mom and grandma… The last time we were together I was walking away from him at the airport 2 1/2 years ago. A sad memory because I can still remember how upset he was that I was moving back to Arizona.
I know that none of this is my fault and that his bad health was going to get to him, but I feel like I could have done more. I could have stayed behind and helped out. Instead I was selfish and wanted to go back to A.Z.
He was my “Dad.” I will always say that too. No matter what I did he supported me. No matter how bad I messed something up, he always let me know that he still had my back. I felt strong around him.
He was around for more of my life then my actual dad, but that’s just how things worked out. He was a strong mail roll model for most of my life and taught me so much about myself and the world. I owe too much to the man. He was great. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I wish I would have put up more of an effort to see him in the last 3 years… but that’s all done and in the past. I won’t have a chance again, but that’s ago. I got to say my goodbyes today. I’d rather have that then nothing at all.
Tomorrow is his burial. That will be the last hard step I have to take while I’m here. The rest should be smooth after that. I haven’t felt like myself since I’ve been here and I probably won’t act like myself for a while, but I will be fine. Hard times happen.
I love him and miss him, but at least I’ll always have the memories that were given back.

I officially give up.
I try and try and try, but nothing works.. ever. I give up.

Enjoy.

Bleh. Long weekend. Not very exciting. Last night was ok. beer bong fest. Stupid Aaron, heh.
Looking forward to this week. I feel good about it for some reason. Couldn't tell anybody why, but i just feel good about it.

Want to see Land Of The Dead and War of The Worlds sometime soon. I'm curious to see what both movies pull off.


To my mistress the bridge,
I don't feel well.
I'll be leaving and you can't stop me.
We've been carrying on too long.

I'm sorry, but I'm gone.
I've got a bad reputation to think about.
I've been dirty,
I've been wrong.
Maybe someday they'll find that I've washed up.
I'm stepping out to clear my lungs.
I'm breathing in to fill my lungs.
We're all dead.

Farewell scenic highway overpass.
It's better this way anyways.
My lover the river makes a better soldier than a bride.
But I left my heart at the side of her bed
and she's got the warmest body that I've ever had.

Drag the lake, you'll find it's full of love.
Bring the children to the water and let them see what heartache did.
This matrimony needs a witness,
and you can teach them to swim.

Don't let your dreamers grow up to be dead men.
Drown us at birth, save her some time.
Drifting on romantic holiday,
breathless as her cold arms cover me.
Drag the lake. You will find it is full of love.
-----------------------

Yeah... i should go to sleep. Already 2:30. Time is flying crazy fast.

barn <-- four letter word.

Its true! Can't write that shit for hollywood!

Once upon a time there was a cool guy named David



David was always an easy goin fun loving guy



All was going well until one day...



Things could have Really gone bad for David if his favorite bull dyke was not there to help him



So thanks to the wonderfull acts of Davids friend, everything turned out fine. Now David can once again be a really cool guy


THE END





Yeah, I got some stitches last night. Not the most of fun. seventeen of them to be exact. They come out friday or saturday. My cheek and jaw area is swollen right now. Not very much fun. I should be fine in a week. though. A minor scar will be left on my face. Thats good to know. I thought it was going to be a pretty good size.
I was freakin out in my head last night at the hospital. I don't think I have ever seen myself bleed that much before, but then again, I did have some drinks last night, and a nice chunk of skinned was ripped off.

I must now go rest. My face is hurting and I have work tomorrow.

I have been listening to mezmerize my S.O.A.D. off and on all day since 8 AM. The first few songs into it, I liked, then the rest i wasn't sure about, but now it seams the more i listen to it, the more i like it. This CD has a kind of comfortable feeling for me. Reminds me of when the self titled and toxicity came out while i was living in michigan and chilling with bill, rob, and matt all the time. We played the hell out of those CD's

Called bill today. That was good. Talked about my grand dad a bit..

work was slow as hell. Everybody just came in to browse...

I need to go to sleep.

I was given some very bad news this weekend.. My grand dad is going to pass away very soon.. Since i found this out I have felt sick.. The man is "my dad". Thats how i see him. I knew he was doing rough, but now everything is hitting him at once. Liver failure and lung cancer are the new ones to add to the check list. The man wont be around next year for sure, but we don't know how long he has. I havent felt this sad in a while. Im not myself. It really does hurt.
I'm totally going to be "off" for a couple weeks to a month when he goes. He is taking it well. He is not scared to die. Thats good. He feels he has held a good life. When he said that it made me think of how worthless i am.. Well, I'm not worthless, I just have nothing to show for myself. I have an international internet company, but that almost feels like it means nothing. I love it, but I guess I'm looking at this the way a normal civilian would. Heh, they might even go as far to say that I am a loser who probably wont be anything. To many blind hopes and dreams.. I don't know.

I just really feel like I have done nothing with/for myself. I let myself and my family down. Worst of all I feel like i let my grand dad down. There is more to that, but i really don't want to go into it right now..

I'm sure I only see one person who reads this anymore, so If i look/act a little different, this is why. I will however try and make the best of every moment and just try to relax. I'd hate to drive my friends insane.

I hope to have a lot of fun this weekend. A little fun is all i need. Work has been dead because the AC unit has been out for a week and I just feel sick. A little fun is all i need.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I fuckin hate missing good shows! If i cant make it to misery signals tomorrow I swear I'm going to freak. ... that being said, I'm going to go away.

P.S. 543210

I could scream everything right to your face, but it still feels like it wouldn't matter and that you wouldn't get it! More or less it probably just wouldn't matter!

*vent*

FUCK YEAH!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!

Caliban ROCKED MY ASS OFF!!! Good god.
Shows don't get much better then this one. WOOOOOO!!!! I cant wait till they come back. AHH!!!

WOO I also got god forbid to play my favorite song by them. The last two times they were here they didn't play it. Kinda pissed me off, BUT I GOT THEM TO PLAY IT TONIGHT! WOO!!

CALIBAN!!!

*OH! AND FOR THE RECORD!*
If somebody tells me i look like wes borland from limp bizkit again i am going to snap. I look nothing like the guy. Yes, we both have big noses and dark hair. If thats the case i am almost every greek man/italian man/russian women who has ever lived.

BLAH-blah blah bleh bleh bleh bleh, blah blah-ha-bity blah!

CALIBAN AND GOD FORBID!!! I'm dying to go to that show. I am going to soil myself many times during caliban. I have wanted to see them for the last 2+ years! THEY NEVER COME HERE!! AHHH!!!!

Ozzfest is coming around this year again. I'm glad. It's a good show this year!

-Black Sabath
-Iron Maiden
-Shadows Fall
-Black Lable Society
-Zombie
-Killswitch
-As I Lay Dying
-Mastodon
-The Black Dahlia Murder
-Bury Your Dead
-It Dies Today

Those are all the bands I'm looking foward to seeing. There are more, but those will be my break bands :-D

I want to go to baja fresh. I have a $10 gift card. I should go. OH YEAH!

Two days ago..

I am actually on AIM. Thats weird. I never go on it.

I need to go to baja now. yes..

OFF TOMORROW AND SATURDAY!!! WOOO!!

I have to do something this weekend.. Anything. For some reason I have been freakin being at home so much this week. Feeling restless blows! I think starbucks has a lot to do with it too. The job is pretty much an assembly line. Not enough freedom. You can be your own person. You can only be a little drone set out to make 72+ combinations a day.
Today I decided it would be fun to add the wrong ingredients to people’s drinks to see if they even really payed attention to what they drink. I only had one guy come back. All he wanted was a mild house coffee with one shot of espresso. I though it would be fun to give him a decaf with double espresso, you know, to balance out the lack of caffeine in the decaf. All he said when he came back was, "Woo, this is some high octane," and I was like, "yeah man an espresso shot doesn’t play around." He then asked for a new one without the shot. I did that. Actually made him a mild coffee this time. All was good then,
BUT YES!! as I was saying way before, I think my job involving very little freedom, and my 4-6 days a week at home are really starting to freak me out. I intend to have fun this weekend.

So I missed ZAO again.. That really blows. We had a show the same night they played.. I missed them last time they were here too, but that was a good day, so I guess I can't argue about that one. HAHA!! But I did get to see them with misery signals!! WHO ELSE CAN SAY THAT!!

SHIT!! PULP FICTION IS COMING ON IN FIVE MINUTES! Awesome! I now know what I'm going to fall asleep to.

So I missed ZAO again.. That really blows. We had a show the same night they played.. I missed them last time they were here too, but that was a good day, so i guess I can't argue about that one. HAHA!! But I did get to see them with missery signals!! WHO ELSE CAN SAY THAT!!

SHIT!! PULP FICTION IS COMING ON IN FIVE MINUTES! Awesome! I now know what I'm going to fall asleep to.

CHEERS TO ALL! MAY YOUR WEEKENDS ROCK AS MUCH AS I INTEND MINE TO!

The whole time the remedy was as close as my breath.
My blood begins to burn...

I always have my forever lost fall and winter to remind me of everything that meant something. I always have these to drive me. To assure me that knowing the feeling once means I can know it again. Nothing is for sure, but if you've had something once you can have it again. If You have felt something great, you can feel it again, if not the same, maybe better. Thats my drive. My goal. I want to make every good feeling I have ever had come back 5 times as strong. I can do this. I will do this. I control everything.. I am behind my own wheel. I just have to realize that if i want something enough i can get it.
I'm working on that. I have hope. I WILL make everything better for myself

Day off today. It has been nice. Slept till about 11. When I woke up i decided to get crazy and I cleaned the hell out of my room and bathroom. They both look great, but now i have nothing to do.. Maybe i'll just clean everything again, heh.

GOD!! I cant wait till I get my car. I could be out an about right now. No sitting around in my room 'o' shine.
I can creep around the house and toss balls of paper at my dogs!!!.... yeah, but that would get old the second i hit one of them.. they all would be on to me at that point.

So I had story time last night after work. I havent had story time in a long time. I forgot how much fun it was just come'n up with a huge random story off the top of my head. Matt and liam thought it was great. It felt good it did. Real good. Brought back some great memories.

WOO! my dad and I are going car hunting tomorrow! Hopefully we find something nice. IF not, theres always tuesday and wednesday next week to look. RRRR!!! I hope we find something tomorrow! OOH! The reminds me! I have to contact meghan!! I hope her mom got that car list for me! Gota run!

“Feels like I’m in the dark and I can’t see a single thing for miles.”

“We've taken, medication
So we can run away from
Another day
I feel alive, I'm falling
We dance until the morning closed our eyes
I would love to stay here and never have to go
And no one in the world would ever know”

“I'm paralyzed from head down
Realized pushing their doubts
I'm burned by all the fire
Thats spread within my house
You put them there so you can put them out”

“All the lies and fantasies I picked to deny what is right
as the lawyers lie down to the sound of a broken man clinging
to the legs of a butterfly.
We live to see our children die,
turn to the bright to describe what we never will find,
I'm a monster peering through the side of my left eye
And I will pay for, and I will pray for,
I couldn't have her, I couldn't save her,
If I could grab on, I'd pull her in tight.
My love”

___________________________________________________________________

I’m at home, I’m bored, and I’m thinking of all the great things that could have made me happy that I didn’t jump on when I had the chance. Some things you only get one chance on. I had my chances, but I did not take advantage of them.
Shame on me.

I started at starbucks today. Pretty nifty job. I start at $8.50 an hour and I get 32+ hours a week. Still going to work the ol' sunglass hut too. I can taste the coffee from earlier still, mmm mmmmmm good.
After work I went to rays and met up with jamie, brent, and caleb. We went down to GCC to watch jay play the trumpet, hahaha. I was not having much fun, but then something wierd happened.
I am proud of myself. I actaully managed to start three sepperat conversations with women, at different times of the night, and I walked away with 2 phone numbers. They were good looking, funny, and into a lot of things i am. THATS CRAZY!! I'm never that confident. I loved it. It was sooo easy.
I'll probably only actually hang out with one of them, but damn, the fact that i was able to start up, hold, and end a conversation easily makes me feel great inside. I'm floating. There is hope for me.
I'm starting to see that meeting new people is not going to be a very hard task at all.

-New job that pays well
-Getting a car in 2 weeks
-Dad is going to start paying me back very soon
-Getting a better job in a month
-moving out in 2 months
-actually meeting new people
-ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVER TO TALK TO WOMEN

Yeah, I think I'm starting to move a little forward for myslef. HOORAY!

Good day, good day. I hope tomorrow will bring the same good news. we'll see! AND NOW I RANDOMLY TEXT PEOPLE IN MY PHONE!! HOOHAH!

Last night was fun and it sucked. It more fun for the most part.
The show was great. Hated that we could only play three songs, but you have to work with what you have.
Josh is great. I wish he could stay on fulltime with the band. He and I are very much the same with how we think music should sound.
A grip of people went that I really didn't expet to go. That was great, but thats also where the bad part of the night falls in. It probably is not really all that bad, but i hate feeling like I avoided people. I always hear about it too.
Crissy and Ashley came out to the show. That was great, but I could also kick my own ass for not talking to them. I'm a bastard.
I will say that I do stray when I'm around people I don't offten see. Insecurity. It's a bitch. So much to say, but not enough nerve to actually be comfortable.
Hah, funny how that works. I'm scared to feel comfortable.. Or better yet, I'm scared to know if the other people will accept me and allow things to be comfortable, even though I know that if I started talking to them everything would be fine. I need to stop wondering if old friends will accept me after this long and just act myself. Even if i can get one fluid sentance going I'm fine, but thats hard. I need to stop waiting for others to talk to me.

MY HAIRCUT BLOWS!! Heh. Dye'n it all black again. That will help. A week from now it will look fine. Not 12 year-oldish.

Today I work on myself. Megan and I are going out somewhere, we arent sure where, but she said we are going to go meet new people. That sounds great. I need people. I need friends. I have millions of acquaintances and very VERY few friends.
Even my all my band members are acquaintances. thats sad.. I know them, except eric, because of music. Otherwise I wouldn't know them. If the band stopped i know we would probably never hang. We would say hello at shows, but that would be the extent of it.

For a few seconds yesterday felt worth it all. That was all I needed. those few seconds. In the end it was not much, but more then enough at the same time.

Going to dye the hair and try and meet new people :-D. After a quick drive to albertsons and back I start Project : David needs more social security (when he first meets friends/re-meets old friends

Ok, now they want to show up. Thats all good and fun except for the fact that i have typed out everything i have wanted to say 2 times now. Screw this computer.
__here's how it went__

-looking for something to do tomorrow.. nicole wants to hang. might do that unless something else comes by thats better. I barely know the girl so it's a little off feeling.

-realized how much i hate Mt.v. and everybody on it

-decided that working out again is a great idea. my body hurts

-remembered about my check at sunglass hut. i need to get that.

-pissed off angela. She had it coming. The truth hurts. she doesn't like the truth.

**END** FOR THE THIRD DAMN TIME!!! AHHH!!!!

The third time is the charm! the third time IS the charm!

I have noticed that my post wont show up... and that angers me.