Thu, Oct. 20th, 2005, 11:48 pm
So this last week has been a very tough one for me. I have spent the most of it out here in Michigan.
My grand dad, who has been very sick for the last 2 years now, passed away on Monday. I was hurt, but still fine with everything up until today.
Today was the (I forget what to call it) deal where all the family visits his open casket while he receives praise? from a preacher. The second we walked into the room and I saw him laying in the casket an entire swarm of memories hit me. I was a mess. I could barely remember anything about the guy ( hurray head trauma ) up until that point, but when I saw him it was like a memory overload and I crashed.
I have never cried that hard before in my life. I couldn’t control myself. I was worse then my mom and grandma… The last time we were together I was walking away from him at the airport 2 1/2 years ago. A sad memory because I can still remember how upset he was that I was moving back to Arizona.
I know that none of this is my fault and that his bad health was going to get to him, but I feel like I could have done more. I could have stayed behind and helped out. Instead I was selfish and wanted to go back to A.Z.
He was my “Dad.” I will always say that too. No matter what I did he supported me. No matter how bad I messed something up, he always let me know that he still had my back. I felt strong around him.
He was around for more of my life then my actual dad, but that’s just how things worked out. He was a strong mail roll model for most of my life and taught me so much about myself and the world. I owe too much to the man. He was great. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I wish I would have put up more of an effort to see him in the last 3 years… but that’s all done and in the past. I won’t have a chance again, but that’s ago. I got to say my goodbyes today. I’d rather have that then nothing at all.
Tomorrow is his burial. That will be the last hard step I have to take while I’m here. The rest should be smooth after that. I haven’t felt like myself since I’ve been here and I probably won’t act like myself for a while, but I will be fine. Hard times happen.
I love him and miss him, but at least I’ll always have the memories that were given back.
Fri, Jul. 8th, 2005, 12:04 am
I officially give up.
I try and try and try, but nothing works.. ever. I give up.
Mon, Jun. 27th, 2005, 02:25 am
Bleh. Long weekend. Not very exciting. Last night was ok. beer bong fest. Stupid Aaron, heh.
Looking forward to this week. I feel good about it for some reason. Couldn't tell anybody why, but i just feel good about it.
Want to see Land Of The Dead and War of The Worlds sometime soon. I'm curious to see what both movies pull off.
To my mistress the bridge,
I don't feel well.
I'll be leaving and you can't stop me.
We've been carrying on too long.
I'm sorry, but I'm gone.
I've got a bad reputation to think about.
I've been dirty,
I've been wrong.
Maybe someday they'll find that I've washed up.
I'm stepping out to clear my lungs.
I'm breathing in to fill my lungs.
We're all dead.
Farewell scenic highway overpass.
It's better this way anyways.
My lover the river makes a better soldier than a bride.
But I left my heart at the side of her bed
and she's got the warmest body that I've ever had.
Drag the lake, you'll find it's full of love.
Bring the children to the water and let them see what heartache did.
This matrimony needs a witness,
and you can teach them to swim.
Don't let your dreamers grow up to be dead men.
Drown us at birth, save her some time.
Drifting on romantic holiday,
breathless as her cold arms cover me.
Drag the lake. You will find it is full of love.
Yeah... i should go to sleep. Already 2:30. Time is flying crazy fast.
Fri, Jun. 24th, 2005, 01:22 am
barn <-- four letter word.
Its true! Can't write that shit for hollywood!
Mon, May. 23rd, 2005, 02:02 am
Once upon a time there was a cool guy named David
David was always an easy goin fun loving guy
All was going well until one day...
Things could have Really gone bad for David if his favorite bull dyke was not there to help him
So thanks to the wonderfull acts of Davids friend, everything turned out fine. Now David can once again be a really cool guyTHE END
Yeah, I got some stitches last night. Not the most of fun. seventeen of them to be exact. They come out friday or saturday. My cheek and jaw area is swollen right now. Not very much fun. I should be fine in a week. though. A minor scar will be left on my face. Thats good to know. I thought it was going to be a pretty good size.
I was freakin out in my head last night at the hospital. I don't think I have ever seen myself bleed that much before, but then again, I did have some drinks last night, and a nice chunk of skinned was ripped off.
I must now go rest. My face is hurting and I have work tomorrow.
Tue, May. 17th, 2005, 11:23 pm
I have been listening to mezmerize my S.O.A.D. off and on all day since 8 AM. The first few songs into it, I liked, then the rest i wasn't sure about, but now it seams the more i listen to it, the more i like it. This CD has a kind of comfortable feeling for me. Reminds me of when the self titled and toxicity came out while i was living in michigan and chilling with bill, rob, and matt all the time. We played the hell out of those CD's
Called bill today. That was good. Talked about my grand dad a bit..
work was slow as hell. Everybody just came in to browse...
I need to go to sleep.
Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 12:22 am
I was given some very bad news this weekend.. My grand dad is going to pass away very soon.. Since i found this out I have felt sick.. The man is "my dad". Thats how i see him. I knew he was doing rough, but now everything is hitting him at once. Liver failure and lung cancer are the new ones to add to the check list. The man wont be around next year for sure, but we don't know how long he has. I havent felt this sad in a while. Im not myself. It really does hurt.
I'm totally going to be "off" for a couple weeks to a month when he goes. He is taking it well. He is not scared to die. Thats good. He feels he has held a good life. When he said that it made me think of how worthless i am.. Well, I'm not worthless, I just have nothing to show for myself. I have an international internet company, but that almost feels like it means nothing. I love it, but I guess I'm looking at this the way a normal civilian would. Heh, they might even go as far to say that I am a loser who probably wont be anything. To many blind hopes and dreams.. I don't know.
I just really feel like I have done nothing with/for myself. I let myself and my family down. Worst of all I feel like i let my grand dad down. There is more to that, but i really don't want to go into it right now..
I'm sure I only see one person who reads this anymore, so If i look/act a little different, this is why. I will however try and make the best of every moment and just try to relax. I'd hate to drive my friends insane.
I hope to have a lot of fun this weekend. A little fun is all i need. Work has been dead because the AC unit has been out for a week and I just feel sick. A little fun is all i need.
Thu, May. 5th, 2005, 11:37 pm
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I fuckin hate missing good shows! If i cant make it to misery signals tomorrow I swear I'm going to freak. ... that being said, I'm going to go away.
Wed, Apr. 20th, 2005, 11:17 pm
I could scream everything right to your face, but it still feels like it wouldn't matter and that you wouldn't get it! More or less it probably just wouldn't matter!
Wed, Apr. 13th, 2005, 03:08 am
FUCK YEAH!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!
Caliban ROCKED MY ASS OFF!!! Good god.
Shows don't get much better then this one. WOOOOOO!!!! I cant wait till they come back. AHH!!!
WOO I also got god forbid to play my favorite song by them. The last two times they were here they didn't play it. Kinda pissed me off, BUT I GOT THEM TO PLAY IT TONIGHT! WOO!!